As I approach my 24th birthday in two weeks, I feel there are some apologies that need expressing.

1. First and foremost, I am sorry for that one time when I was ten and “accidentally” dropped that bird egg just to see what  would happen. I knew. Hello instant guilt and remorse. On the bright side, I then crossed murderer off my potential what-ill-grow-up-to-be list.

2. I am sorry and ashamed that I still haven’t learned to spell accidentally or pursue correctly on the first try. If it weren’t for those squiggly red lines sometimes I swear…

3. I apologize to my Iphone for treating you like Ren treats Stimpy. You stupid idiot.

4. I am particularly sorry for that time drunk-artist-me drew a mural in the ladies bathroom with my lipstick at insert-local-bar-name-here. Mostly, because I will never find a more perfect pout paint. And, a special apology to whomever had to clean it up, but you know I made up for it at the regulars’ Christmas party.

5. I am sorry that the last sentence of the previous apology had sexual undertones. I assure you the Christmas party was only PG-13 at most, and that I didn’t take anyone in to a coat room. We don’t even have coat rooms down here.

6. I am sorry that half pint regularly posts photos like this on my Facebook.

6. Third floor apartment. No elevator. Do I even have to say it?

8. I’m sorry that number 7 was actually a lie. I am not sorry in the least. In fact, I want to make an album and use this photo mash up as cover art. Only with better shop-ing of my head.

9. No, I do not want to give you my name, number, e-mail address, pin number, fingerprint, and donate a dollar to the prevent paper cuts foundation. Sorry. I just want to go home.

10. More sincerely, I am sorry that I wasn’t thinking of what all that tanning with afro-sheen was going to do to my skin past the age of 16.

Here is to 24: the age when nothing happens. Isn’t it magical?

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