If I Could Have A Beard For Just One Day…
My parents thought I was a boy up until a few short weeks before I was born. Surprise! I was penisless. My parents had even already decided on naming me Joseph. Why am I telling you this? Well, this week’s Blogger Idol topic is a day in the life of you if you were the opposite gender. Finally, I can delve deep into my penis envy. This will be cathartic. I can feel it.
I am pretty indifferent to the name Joseph, and being that I can’t think of a suitable male version of the name Becca, I am going to use my parents’ name fail. We will actually go with Joe for short, because I am a nickname kind of gal/guy. Please enjoy: A day in the life of Joe (I was either meant to participate in this blog prompt in some cosmic way, or I really have been watching way too much Dawson’s Creek)
As Joe, I wake up and admire my new junk. We are being honest here, right? Scratch that (not literally). Instead I will first sleep in until ten minutes before I head out the door. Five minutes for junk admiration and five minutes for teeth brushing, slapping on some Old Spice deodorant and throwing on my clothes. No shaving. I am a
manly man freaking lumberjack and manly men freaking lumberjacks have beards dammit.
On the drive to work I am definitely jamming some Nirvana or some other band from the nineties and definitely not trying to lent roll my entire body while avoiding oncoming traffic. Real men don’t have cats, right? No, I think I now have a Great Dane named Joe the III.
Now I am at work. I work all day without being told an exhausting, redundant woman-kitchen joke. It feels nice. I also actually have a hard hat now, and people actually listen to me.
I write a blog post during lunch; a lunch that involves double meat of some sort with a beer darker than my morning coffee and shameless belching. However, I am sure to say excuse me after each desk trembling eruption. After all, I am a gentleman.
When I arrive home, and because of the fact that I haven’t urinated all day because I have been too busy admiring my beard and hard hat, I take the opportunity to pee standing up all around my house. In the front yard, the back yard, the sink, the toilet, and the shower to name a few. I go downstairs for a nice workout where I secretly stare at the hot girl from 301. Then it is off to eat a large slab of steak so rare it could be a Freshly Pressed post (zing) and drink some whiskey straight on the rocks. Wait, that’s one I already do as a girl.
Around 11:00 pm I hop in some long johns, fondle my flagpole and fall asleep.
I’d say I am a pretty well-rounded dude as Joe. I’d date me.
- Manly Trend Alert: Scruffy Facial Hair (bellasugar.com)
- Do You Think Beards Are Hot? (bellasugar.com)
- Lavonia hospital developers say thanks with hard hats (independentmail.com)
Posted on October 2, 2012, in Humor, Silly and tagged 25tofly, beards, beards are manly, Becca Cord, being a man, blog, blog contests, blogger idol, Blogging, dawson's creek, Facial hair, Hard hat, hot lumberjack, lubmerjack, male version of rebecca, Nirvana, What if I was the opposite sex?, what it is like to have a penis, WordPress. Bookmark the permalink. 65 Comments.