The last time that I participated in any kind of gift exchanging game for Christmas was on a first date. Can you imagine that? You don’t have to. I will tell you how it goes. If you are me, that is.
Holidays aren’t holidays until things get uncomfortable.
My date picked me up for dinner somewhere back in December of 2008. We were supposed to go to a simple dinner. Me and him. On the way to the restaurant, he receives a phone call, which he takes, and has a casual conversation from which I infer that plans are about to change.
Date: “That was my mom. My family is having a Christmas party down the road. Do you want to go? It will be fun”.
Sure, I love meeting entire families on first dates.
Me: “Umm… I don’t know, I mean, I don’t want to intrude. They don’t know me.”
You barely know me.
Date: “Oh come on. They are super friendly. They will love you. There will be a lot of great food and presents.”
Me: “Presents?”
Date: “Yeah, they play Dirty Santa every year at this thing.”
As we continued down the highway, the dialogue went back and forth between him assuring me it wouldn’t be awkward and me trying to find a way to escape the moving car without looking obvious. Or killing myself. We ended up going, because I have an adverse reaction to telling people no, and guess what? It was awkward. Imagine that.
He pushed me to participate even though I hadn’t a gift to contribute. At one point I stole his Uncle’s gift of a fifth of Crown, but of course it was eventually stolen from me by a cousin of a cousin just as I thought my endurance of the night had paid off.
He went home without a goodnight kiss, and I went home with a fishing knife. How’s that for a Merry Christmas? But, you know what is not awkward, unsatisfying, and sure to leave you alone under the mistletoe? Festivus for the Pressed of Us. I am participating along with all of your other favorite bloggers, so be sure to check it out. And if my gifter (I think I know who you are) is reading, this is for you:
One last thing, don’t forget to see Le Clown’s video post today in which he bids farewell to his Movember mustache and appoints me as conductor of Bloggers for Movember 2013. It’s an honor. A true honor.
Related articles
- You Are Cordially Invited! (notthehardestpart.wordpress.com)
- Festivus Guest List (notthehardestpart.wordpress.com)
- BlogFestivus 2012: a seasonal short story writing challenge (blogdramedy.wordpress.com)
Best. First. Date. Story. Ever.
Want his number?
I played Dirty Santa at an office party for my work study job in college. Everyone was fighting over a bottle of wine but since I was 19, I didn’t think it would be wise to steal it, at my place of work, at which everyone else was a grown up. So I ended up with some dollar store candles that stank up my dorm.
Dirty Santa looks confusing. Although we’re sort of having a Secret Santa here this year and if we were to play that it would make things interesting. Or maybe not, given that it would take forever to explain how to play to the Sisters.
How stupid of the date. I’m guessing you never saw him again!
I don’t like gift games in general. Pick a gift for one specific person, or everyone, and give it to them. Ta Da! You’re done.
We remained friends. He was a sweet guy, but he simply lacked the first date prowess.
Oh God, you’re scaring me! I am going to a Christmas with a rather new friend’s family this year. Should I take a gift just in case? Hopefully it’s not too awkward.
Don’t be scared, just go with it. Maybe you will get a good story out of it!
There’s always that…I’ll take a notebook and sit in the corner!
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At least this guy gave you blog fodder!
The horror show dates of the past are the blogging gold of the future…
I should be thanking him!
Uh, no.
A knife?
That’s a keeper for me, I like cooking and also collects knives, I would have given him a second date to see what kind of gift I would get.
First dates are usually awkward but at a family reunion, I would die I think.
I came out alive luckily, but I should have called a cab after I successfully stole the Crown.
If I ever get a knife I don’t want again, I would be glad to send it to you
.
Thankfully, it’s not me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HF
What? Having to date me? Having to date him? Winning a knife? Explain yourself!
You got a fishing knife out of it soooo, small victory?
It’s the only present a guy has given me that probably cost more than ten dollars so… WIN!
So was this date on Christmas eve or just a random day in December on which you were taken to a Christmas party? What a weird story – which makes me love it…
Just a random day!
That is bizarro…what a lucky gal!
It makes for a funny story, so not all was lost!
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Becca, I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.
You had a fifth of Crown in your hand and you didn’t open it and chug it.
*walks over to his bar, sees that there’s no Crown, pulls down a bottle of Jameson, wraps it in a Crown Royal bag, pours a solitary shot (in a Jameson light up shot glass no less), pours some on the ground for Becca’s failure, downs the shot, posts comment*
(okay, I didn’t pour any on the ground)
Cheers!
http://aneroidocean.wordpress.com/2012/12/06/bad-dates/
Now I’m hungry.
I am hungry too. Just hearing the word vegan makes me thing of stinky things. But to each his own.
Oh, and don’t you think for one god damn second that if that had been Jameson I wouldn’t have left the party in a wheelchair. Once Jameson is in my hands, Jameson stays in my hands. Crown on the other hand, eh it’s alright, but not worth having an entire family that I just met put a restraining order out against me.
I hate dirty Santa. Hate it. So glad you got a fishing knife out of the deal. If it was a fillet knife, it should have been mighty sharp. Do you still have it?
No, I sure don’t. I rarely fish anymore. Okay, since I was twelve, but about the knife… I think I may have regifted it to my dad.
Never, not once, have I gotten a fishing knife out of a date. Never.
And you didn’t even have to kiss him for it. You lucky lucky gal!
I think he was just too afraid to go in for the kill while I had that thing in my hand
.
I really didn’t intend for you to have an awkward night. Plus, I thought the fishing knife would have smoothed things over. Let me make it up to you and invite you to my next family thanksgiving. You can help cook!
Derek, I am sorry to have written this at your expense, but how about this: You come over to my house, I will give you that smooch that you thought you worked so hard for, and we can scratch the Thanksgiving part all together. Then we can sit on separate couches and play on WordPress. Good? Good.
Okay. But I might bring my mom.
I’d go out on more dates if I was sure to get a gift of some sort. All my first dates make for great Seinfeld episodes…which is a gift in and of itself I guess. Do you have any more funny/awkward first/second/third/fourth/fifth(..sixth/seventh..) dates? I really want to hear about those.
Seinfeld episodes huh? Why aren’t you writing a book already?! Here is a deal for you, if you write about one of your most awkward dates/boyfriends/hook ups/etc. I will follow suit with writing another post (I have PLENTY more awkward “romance” stories). You know you want to. It’s like therapy, right?
Are you serious!??! Because I’m taking you up on your offer!!
Sweet! Serious as Eric Bana’s hair.
Any blog with a Christmas Tard the cat picture is win in my book.
I knew someone would appreciate it!
Always glad to accommodate. Actually, I should qualify that… I do whatever the hell I want, but I get some satisfaction when it just so happens to accommodate someone else.
At least you were right, right? Spending time with your own family can be awkward enough. I’m sure he’s still a creep.
He was actually a sweet guy, just not the best first date scenario.
But about your own family.. yes, yes it is.
Next time slip the story of “Lefty the White Elephant” into your pocket and arrive at the gift exchange with the suggestion that you are ready to take this party to the next level. If you can’t beat em, join em…
Enjoy your Festivus!
Thank you Bruce. I’ll be more prepare next time, although I hope there isn’t ever a next time.
A fishing knife? Sounds like you actually got the best out of the two here
Have you ever gotten a weapon out of a first date?
I once freaked out when a guy on a first date wanted to hold my hand. What is this, a BROTHEL?! You’re a braver woman than I am.
Congrats on being Commissioner of Facial Hair next year. You earned it!
Sorry, i’m stalking your comments today. This made me giggle.
Stalk away!
Thank you Jen. Premature hand holding is a little presumptuous, but it has happened to me too. Very frequently actually, especially on movie dates. I think they find courage in the darkness or something. But a groped hand is better than a groped boob I suppose.
I get why people want to get all boob-handy with you, you’re cute as a button! My dating coach keeps telling me to “just go with it” and that I should “feel lucky” anyone wants to touch me.
I need to have a word with your “dating coach”.
Can you also talk to him about the topless pictures he makes me send him?
Sure, I will “talk” to him. Now where did I put that fishing knife….
Who invites a first date to a family party??? That is one Twisted Mister. But at least you got a free fishing knife. I’m looking forward to Festivus. And I love that kitty photo!!
Southern hospitality to the extreme! Ha. Thanks Weebs! The grumpy cat gets me every time.
I’d have found it awkward, Becca… but as first dates go, it’s slightly more impressive than a boring old meal!
You have a good point Tom. And I can’t say that his family wasn’t delightful. Awkward, but nice nonetheless.
“As we continued down the highway, the dialogue went back and forth between him assuring me it wouldn’t be awkward and me trying to find a way to escape the moving car without looking obvious.”
I find it so funny how you Americans deal with this kind of situations
Why you don’t just tell the asshole that he’s being a total dork and that there is no way you’re meeting his family on a first date!
When I worked at the airport I spent a lot of time with Americans and they always have these kind of stories, they work themselves into all sorts of mess, because they don’t want to tell a person the truth or be hurtful. But when a person is a dumb-ass, isn’t it better that he knows that?
Then again, I am happy you exist, because you are Comedic geniuses.
Thank you for sharing this story, Becca. You always make me laugh.
Daan, thank YOU for pointing out our ability to remedy awkward situations with more awkwardness.
I am glad you can still find our idiotic American ways humorous.
A FISHING KNIFE! Score! Best first date ever. I do hope it came with a lifetime guarantee. Those are the best, you know.
I think I gave it to my dad. Re-gifting is underrated.
At least you’re prepared in case you ever need to clean a fresh fish in a pinch. Who doesn’t love a handy gal like that?
Love the post! Off to FB it goes!
Thanks Emily. In honesty, I love to fish, but I don’t have a rod and reel anymore. First thing is first! Can’t clean a fish if I can’t catch one.
“am i about to get an involuntary vasectomy, or are you just happy to see me?”
Why don’t you lay down on that sterile table over there and we will talk about it.
well, at least you took the time to sterilize it. gotta look at the positives.
actually, when i had my vasectomy, it was with a local anesthetic, and i was able to watch. the only difficult part was when they cauterized the tubes. that smelled nasty. they used to tie the tubes, but there have been rare cases of tubes untying and reattaching themselves. so we went nasty smelling hot iron.
happy festivus.
Glad I wasn’t still eating lunch.
i checked. it was way past 1030.
So thoughtful.
actually i didn’t check. i got lucky. or you got lucky. so to speak.
Maybe we both did.
“He went home without a goodnight kiss, and I went home with a fishing knife” is a great line, although I don’t think you should let it be known that you’re a girl who can’t say no! Could get you in trouble that…
Thank you, I couldn’t make it up.
I draw the line eventually, but you are right on that.
Gift giving on the first date seems a little forward to me. But hey – maybe he was just warming you up for the second date. Who knows what might he may have had in store? (though I loved your idea of kidney donation to show and share the love).
I didn’t stick around too long to find out, but we remained friends. At least I think.
Did you re-gift him the knife the following Christmas? That’s friendship!
Good idea, but no. I’ll keep that in mind for my next awkward Christmas date
I got one for you. You know what’s worse than going into something knowing it will be awkward? Going into something you KNEW would be fine, and it turning awkward.
There is a friend of the family who celebrates his birthday on December 24th. Every year (until this year…bunch of divorce has happened. Not sure who won who yet) he comes over to the house on Christmas Eve, for a party of sorts. Every year he receives a 5th of Crown (theme much?) and every year he comes over totally smashed. He usually behaves himself too.
One year I had a date with me who every one knew, and loved. He showed up and proceeded to behave himself for about an hour. After that hour was up a switch flipped. He spent the rest of the night trying to get her to sit on his lap, sometimes physically. We knew he was out of his mind, but man that was really bad for a minute.
Ouch. That’s pretty rough. Nothing more awkward than unwanted drunk touching.
I think alcohol in general is a go to present.
He’s lucky he made it out alive!
Aw, I am not that harsh.
I can’t believe he thought this would be a good idea. Can you imagine how much the second date would have gotten ramped up? “Oh, that call was from my sister. She’s getting married in an hour and needs an extra bridesmaid. You’ll have a great time and will look great in pink taffeta.”
Or “My aunt just called. She is going into kidney failure. You still have your extra one, right?”.
You win. That’s a way better second date.
Take a girl’s kidney and you will have no problem winning her heart.
Shakespeare.
Best date ever – you went home with a knife!! I gotta have a date that ends like that!
And you know who your Festivus gift giver is?! I need to stalk more…
Maybe, I have a hunch. But you never know. I could be way off! I can’t wait until we all find out.
Talk about awkward and clueless!! “You barely know me,” Ha, and Yikes. Congrats on your new Conductor position for Movember. That’s awesome! You’ll do it up right, I know.
Thanks, I have ideas already. He really was a sweet guy, but I know I can’t be the only one who would find that a strange first date.
The fishing knife may also be more handy than flowers brought home from a date. Though painful, it sounds like a memorable night.
You’re right on that ma’am! Thanks for reading.