My last post bestowed upon the world can not be a repost about fucking Tuesdays. I just can’t allow that to happen. It’s pathetic. Instead I made a meme, because Jen said they are cool, and we are a power couple, so there.
If you are a logical human being, you don’t think the world will suddenly end tomorrow in a clusterfuck of literally earth shattering natural phenomenons that will eventually result in me getting into a plane with John Cusack and an amateur pilot.
I am one of those logical people (reluctantly because I have a serious lady boner for John Cusack).
This doesn’t mean, however, that I will not use the ridiculous prediction to my advantage to get away with all kinds of unacceptable behavior between now and December 22nd. You should take advantage of this too. In fact, I started last night. Here are some examples to give your mind a head-start on coming up with risky ideas.
Last night, I brought sunflower seeds into a bar that does not allow outside food or drink and ate them slowly in front of the bartender. One by one. I then stared him directly in the eye and offered him some.
I drank Jameson on a work night and tipped the bartender 100%.
Today, I plan to eat two sandwiches for lunch. TWO.
I am wearing my casual Friday attire on a Thursday.
Tonight, I will play Hitman on regular difficulty instead of easy. You heard that correctly. Stop crying.
Tomorrow, I intend to work a half day without even minimizing WordPress when someone walks into my office. Fuck the police.
When I get off, assuming the world isn’t planning to randomly commit suicide until after noon, I am changing into my long johns… on the highway, going ten whole miles over the speed limit, and smoking two cigarettes at once.
I will acquire an IV of patron to numb the pain of knowing that I am in denial of the world not ending tomorrow and to forget that there will be consequences to my actions.
I might even get on Chatroulette at some point to make fun of the I-fap-to-the-apocalypse folks out there.
Finally, as the horizon of shattered Earth doesn’t pummel towards me, I will cheers Jack as we exchange I love yous, because in my alcohol poisoning haze, cats will speak.
When the world doesn’t end, and if I live through these perilous activities, I will wake up December 22nd and do it all over again in a trance of celebration and shame.
Don’t worry, I will even announce some comment winners tomorrow if I still have motor skills. Yay! How will you spend your time before the world doesn’t end tomorrow?
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I can’t believe I forgot to comment! Well, I’ve fixed that, haven’t I?
Sure ’nuff!
If the world ends tomorrow, I will be shocked. Imagine if the Mayans were right but they were two days off in their calculations?? … Aaahhhh I’m freaking myself out now…
Thanks, and there I was thinking we made it and I was safe. Nightmares!
Shit. You totally missed the sign-up for my Longjohns Apocalypse Cult.
Only, mine was about the donuts.
Next Mayan End-of-World conspiracy, perhaps?
I am there! But we will eat beignets, because they are fancy..
Eating two lunches and slowly eating sunflower seeds in the bar. You rock! I love it.
It was intense.
What’s with your obsession with long johns? Also, my favorite chatroulette video – http://youtu.be/KAQhG59zqZc
That deserves a whole post of its own! Maybe I will reveal the reason for the obsession one of these days
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Oooh yay! Probably something kinky, eh?
I don’t know. Maybe! Probably.
That video is one of my favorites too.
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When the cats start talking, ask them why they think dogs are their enemies. I mean, sure they are Nan’s best friend and all, but how long are they going to hold a grudge!
Will do. He loves getting all philosophical on me when he is drunk.
You are such a bad-ass… Wearing a casual Friday attire on Thursday. Way to go…
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People were giving me really weird looks. It was scary, but worth it!
Who cares? You had a genuine reason – the world was going to end and you wanted to try out knew things. To the people who dont understand, show them this –
http://static4.fjcdn.com/comments/+_a2ad615e09f07ec7c78d34d4deafbc88.jpg
Ha! That is perfect!
These Mayans could have at least put a time frame on this catastrophe…I mean, they did plot out countless centuries until the last day. Maybe this is where our modern cable installers learned the secret of the open-ended, all day scheduling process?
The only reason that I want to know a time frame is that tomorrow is the dreaded management Christmas pot luck. Not the group that I want to leave this world with by any stretch.
I totally agree. Can we get a set time? If it is before noon I’m not going to work, if it is evening then that would be more convenient. Inconsiderate Mayans. Sheesh.
Wait a minute! This could be the ultimate test of the protective nature of the hard hat! If it does not happen at work, wear the hard hat out to any doomsday activities that you may decide to participate in.
I can not vouch for what kind of men you might attract but at least you will stand out from the other fair maidens.
Good call. I commend you. Hard hat all day tomorrow.
See you on Chat Roulette!
Sweet!!
No, Becca. It’s the beginning of the world
*prances into the night gleefully shaking a tambourine*
That’s absolutely right ! You are outstanding! Don forget the spaghetti
You are hardcore. Not even minimizing WordPress when someone comes into your office? Old habits die hard for me. It’s that trigger finger reflex. I guess I have just 24 hours to un-trigger myself.
I have the reflex too ma’am. But today and tomorrow, nope!
Wow undeniable logic there. Although this post unlike many others convinces me you’re pretty well adept at the internets and should know its not going to happen (you saying fuck the police to people who walk in on you with the internet browser still open.)
My give-o-fuck meter is at a 0
I prefer, “my give a fuck button is broken.”
I like your style!
And yours as well, now if you’ll kindly get back to work saving the life of a poor oil worker of somekind.
If I HAVE to. Sigh.
Well I’m throwing an end of the world blog party with the knowledge that the world won’t end, Becca. At the same time, I’m throwing a New Beginnings party, just in case it does end and the survivors have to start again. May as well start at a party! Don’t know who John Cusack is, but he may be there…
John will definitely be there. He survives everything, and he is good at parties.
The image of you eating sunflower seeds at the bar is great. That bartender probably quit after his shift ended. “This place is getting too rough. That girl came in and ate sunflower seeds at the bar. Sunflower seeds! What was I supposed to do, tell her to stop? She woulda killed me. You didn’t see the look in her eyes, man. You know the thing about a Becca, she’s got…lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eye. Until she bites ya…”
Holy shit. I am scary.
Why do you think that poor guy quit?
If you used your talents for inflicting terror in others correctly, you could own that town.
I’m on it.
Cool! If you need a bodyguard who has no idea how to fight and bleeds easily, let me know.
How did you know I have been looking for one of those?
Common sense. Duh.
Sunflower seeds are like my crack. Don’t mess with my stash man.
I bet your glass pipe is the prettiest of all the glass pipes, though.
It’s the classiest too.
Monogrammed?
Nah, it’s made of gold diamonds.
Ha.
Wow, the rarest of the most precious of metals.
It’s normal to feel jealous.
Good. Because I am.
I’ve been laid off so if the world doesn’t end tomorrow, I guess I’ll start looking for a job. Hopefully it does, because if it does and I survive, there should be a lot of openings come Monday morning. Also, maybe you should play Hitman on Hard.
Bill, the new Hitman doesn’t have an option for hard. There is only easy and regular. I don’t get it either.
Maybe you need to beat it on regular to open up the hard level. Way to go, fucking Mayans!
You have opened my eyes. Tonight, we play!!!!
Oh man – My last day, tomorrow: I will get off work at 2am. I will sleep in. I will go to the gym and tell him to add 5 pounds to my benchpress, and I’ll attempt a real pull-up (and fail…)! THEN, I’ll go to work! (which is still exciting because it will only be my 3rd day on the job!), and I’ll be makin’ da mo-net when the world ends!
And if it doesn’t: I’ll have more money on the 22nd than I did on the 21st! What up! *excitement fest!*
Monay monay monay mooooooonay! Sounds good to me.
You inspire me! I’m going to shave against the grain! I’m going to make a mountain out of a mole hill. And I’m going to look a gift horse directly in the fucking mouth! I’m feeling all rebelious now! Thanks!
Go forth and create mayhem puppets!
So THAT’S how I can angle the “I ate two Egg Mcmuffin meals” atrocity from this morning. I’m just living life, people!
BENNIFER 4 LYFE.
I am so sad that I didn’t think of that this morning. It’s okay, I am making up for it with the sandwiches which both had extra cheese and mayo on them. Now THAT’S living.
We’re soulmates.
Bennifer is old news. Mecca is the new power couple.
Oh snap!
Aw yeah, it’s on. It’s on like… that games from the early 1980′s involving barrels and an ape!
Sonic the Hedgehog right?
Yeah, I think so. Is that the one where the Italian dude, Chef Boyardee I think, tries to jump over things and eats mushrooms or some nonsense?
No I think you are thinking of the turtles that eat pizza.
Oh right, Gamera. I forgot about him.
DAMN YOU!
Swooped in while you weren’t looking.
It’s true. He has impeccable timing.
I just waited for my moment. Some would call it stalking, but I call it romantically waiting nearby everywhere you go. That’s not creepy, right?
That’s the sweetest thing I have ever heard.
That’s what I told the cops, but they just didn’t see it my way. Jerks.
Like I said, fuck the police!
You are hardcore.
Becca,
How can the world end? We have that lunch date next fall remember?
RidicuRyder
Exactly. The world will end when we say it ends dammit! So, never.
yes! anarchy! i’m going commando!
oh, wait. that was my new years resolution.
for the whole year.
every year since ’04.
and – you said “fuck” and “fap.” that’s when commando pays off double.
oops. sorry ma’am, but you shouldn’t have backed up without looking.
I knew you would be on board. Now, who brought the twister mat?
good. pretend you don’t keep one in the car.
My car? No. Why do you think my purse is so big?
that explains how you got away with my red platforms so easily.
Ahahaha! Love your end-of-the-world rebellion!
Thanks Sandee, you are welcome to come over and join in. Jack doesn’t mind if you crash our party
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I have two monitors in my office. One of the two have either been Gmail for gchatting purposes or WordPress and I haven’t minimized either of them all week. Boom! Living large ’til the end of the world. I’m ready to go tomorrow because “I just don’t need none of that mad max bullshit”
Adrienne, you rebel you! That’s SO brave.
Sunflower seeds in a bar. You are a badass, lady.
The bartender probably didn’t think so, but thanks! Internet people are the only people who matter anyway, right?
HAHAHA! I love your meme!
Thanks! I’m no expert like Jen, but I try.
Oh man, I am joining you on this. We should just do the things we want every day, but this gives an excuse to do some of the dumb things we want to do, too!
You are right on that!
Ever see the 1984 movie Impulse (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087464/)?
All that.
Haven’t seen it, but seems to hit the nail on the head. Everyone get naked and fuck shit up!
Chatroulette rocks during holidays, I hope to see you there, I’ll be showing my face not fapping, too old already.
Second, I hope the world ends tomorrow, I wish it does, I got a loan not too long ago and I don’t feel like paying it back.
I drink to drinking and IV of Patron.
How fantastic would it be if we landed on each other via chatroulette? We would both be drunk I assume, which would make it even better. Plus it would be WP posting gold if we wrote about it.
I bet it would, I would be wearing a santa hat for sure and holding a bottle of wine or any other alcoholic drink.
I usually flash my boobs but guy’s don’t appreciate it, still wondering why.
I would appreciate your boobs, but I am not reciprocating the act.
it’s ok, you are safe.
I’m washing my clothes because I’m out of clean underwear and Lord knows I want to have clean underwear if the world ends. I’m taking Christmas gifts to my CASA kids so they’ll have toys to play with before the world ends. I’ll knit the remainder of the cowl I’m making for my granddaughter just in case the world doesn’t end and I still have to give her a Christmas present. I’ll wait for Fed Ex to deliver the Taylor Swift tickets I bought the granddaughters for their “big” gift–just in case. You got to have a back-up plan.
Whoa. You are on top of it all. That reminds me, I have long johns to wash. Dammit! Clean underwear for the end of the world is a requirement.
When it doesn’t end, can I go to the T-swift concert too? I want to let her whine about men for me some more.
John Cusack is the man! Except for that movie…is a lady boner uncomfortable? Like in public?
It’s completely undetectable, and thus, extremely dangerous. But that’s the whole point of this post.
Yeah, I got the day off so I’ll probably just hang out on the futon and watch movies on my laptop. I still haven’t decided if I’ll take a shower or not…I mean, conserve water right? Or, take the longest shower ever, cause it doesn’t matter? Oh man…..I’ve got so much to think about now. Bye.
If you are going the indulgent way, make sure you put your towel in the dryer for maximum coziness when you get out!
That sucks! I don’t have a dryer, but (if you remember) I live across from a laundry mat….and it snowed last night. Thanks for the help anyway.
I do remember! My yogurt shop is your laundry mat! That’s unfortunate though. Maybe try sticking it in the oven or the microwave? Dangerous AND indulgent.
Gotcha! Now’s not the time to worry bout cancer.
Yeah! Or radiation!
Hmm…you said your post wouldn’t be about Tuesdays, but except for the world ending, you’ve pretty much described my typical tuesday.
Except for the John Cusack bits. Is Valerie Bertinelli available?
Guap, you are superhuman so I expected as much. Valerie is busy tap dancing with Jack at the moment.