My last post bestowed upon the world can not be a repost about fucking Tuesdays. I just can’t allow that to happen. It’s pathetic. Instead I made a meme, because Jen said they are cool, and we are a power couple, so there.
If you are a logical human being, you don’t think the world will suddenly end tomorrow in a clusterfuck of literally earth shattering natural phenomenons that will eventually result in me getting into a plane with John Cusack and an amateur pilot.
I am one of those logical people (reluctantly because I have a serious lady boner for John Cusack).
This doesn’t mean, however, that I will not use the ridiculous prediction to my advantage to get away with all kinds of unacceptable behavior between now and December 22nd. You should take advantage of this too. In fact, I started last night. Here are some examples to give your mind a head-start on coming up with risky ideas.
Last night, I brought sunflower seeds into a bar that does not allow outside food or drink and ate them slowly in front of the bartender. One by one. I then stared him directly in the eye and offered him some.
I drank Jameson on a work night and tipped the bartender 100%.
Today, I plan to eat two sandwiches for lunch. TWO.
I am wearing my casual Friday attire on a Thursday.
Tonight, I will play Hitman on regular difficulty instead of easy. You heard that correctly. Stop crying.
Tomorrow, I intend to work a half day without even minimizing WordPress when someone walks into my office. Fuck the police.
When I get off, assuming the world isn’t planning to randomly commit suicide until after noon, I am changing into my long johns… on the highway, going ten whole miles over the speed limit, and smoking two cigarettes at once.
I will acquire an IV of patron to numb the pain of knowing that I am in denial of the world not ending tomorrow and to forget that there will be consequences to my actions.
I might even get on Chatroulette at some point to make fun of the I-fap-to-the-apocalypse folks out there.
Finally, as the horizon of shattered Earth doesn’t pummel towards me, I will cheers Jack as we exchange I love yous, because in my alcohol poisoning haze, cats will speak.
When the world doesn’t end, and if I live through these perilous activities, I will wake up December 22nd and do it all over again in a trance of celebration and shame.
Don’t worry, I will even announce some comment winners tomorrow if I still have motor skills. Yay! How will you spend your time before the world doesn’t end tomorrow?
- What if Tomorrow Was the Day? – Repost (securityeverafter.com)
- John Cusack working on new Rush Limbaugh biopic (contactmusic.com)
- I’m Confused.com: Will the world end in 2012? (confused.com)