Life Glitch
Inexplicable things happen every day. Glitches in the matrix. Coincidences. Alien invasions. Call it what you will.
I recently experienced this very phenomenon. I have no certain explanation for the events that I am about to describe to you. Welcome to the twilight zone. The good one that doesn’t involve shimmery vegan vampires.
Keanu with a banana phone. You can’t explain that.
It was Sunday, and rather than leaving myself winded from completing tasks on my lengthy to-do list, I fucked off instead. Football was on. I don’t usually watch it unless the Saints are playing, but it was the perfect distraction on which to blame my lack of productivity. Plus, a friend of mine actually wanted to hang out. I thought I would give that a shot. Apparently, it is a popular thing to do among the internetless.
After a burger and a bloody mary, we were already in tears over attempting to sext a random number, which is actually quite a challenge. You can’t just start blurting out sexyness all over the place. You have to be mindful that four-year-olds have cell phones these days, and that some people simply do not appreciate a good sext. On top of that, you have to know how to properly woo your unsuspecting sextual partner. Don’t worry, chance sexting is not to be confused with full on text rape. But that’s enough of that.
Once I had been repeatedly shot down by what was probably a seventy year old woman, I slinked off home to face my to-do list, which now had an addendum that read: change telephone number. Unfortunately for my to-do list, I caught wind of more friends (insanity!) at a different venue while driving to my apartment and veered off course yet again. This kind of shit just doesn’t happen every day. I had to take advantage.
Many waffle fries and not an ounce of shame later, I finally forced myself home. I walked into my room to spot my bare mattress and proceeded to throw a slight tantrum at the sight of it. I remember grabbing the sheet and pillow cases out of the dryer. I remember stuffing each pillow into its correct sham. I remember beating them smooth. I remember that the comforter was draped securely over the foot of my bed. I even remember laughing at Jack’s lack of disturbance by all of the dismantled bedding.
Then, nothing. No consciousness. No memory.
At some point, in what I assume was the early morning, I awoke. My clothes were on and I was laying backwards in my bed. My head was perfectly placed in the center of my pillow pile at the foot of the bed. I was half way underneath the sheet which never made it to its correctly tucked position. Jack was there, oblivious as he slept. Groggy, I stood up feeling no sense of time. Where is my phone? Why are all of the lights on?
Then nothing again.
The next time I awoke, I was right side up in my bed with my cell phone neatly plugged into its charger on the dresser next to me but with no alarm set.
Luckily, I woke up naturally in time to dress for work, but the question still remains. What happened to me? I was not intoxicated, nor was I overly exhausted. I am also quite certain that I am not narcoleptic. Did I sleep walk? Did aliens abduct me for a while? Was I roofied by my friends? Where was Keanu? You tell me.
Thanks to everyone who contributed comments on the post in which I greedily begged for post ideas. Y’all are some deep thinking fools. Morpheus would be proud.
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Posted on January 22, 2013, in Humor, Silly and tagged 25tofly, abduction, alien abduction stories, Becca Cord, blog, bloggong, Cell Phones, coincidences, first person who recognizes this tab and comments "rabbit cookies" wins a link back, funny blog on wordpress, glitch in the matrix, humor blog, IPhone, keanu, keanu reeves, Mobile phone, Pillow, Science and Technology, sleep issues, sleep walking, Telephone number, WordPress. Bookmark the permalink. 128 Comments.
Sista Girl, this is kind of scarry. WTF?
I’ll bet someone’s already said “rabbit cookies” to you. Hmmn… Maybe that was the problem? Maybe someone managed to feed you some weed or something?
They did, but you still get points for saying it too!
I’m pretty much thinking it was aliens. You’ll know if they implanted a probe in you the next time you go through the metal detectors at the airport – then you’ll know for sure.
I get the mysterious phone, the lights, the grogginess, and waking up in various positions. I get that. But what kind of people don’t appreciate a good sext? I do not understand this.
How would I know what happened? What am I a psycho?
Why, yes, David Harding, you are.
Game set match.
Cough*inception*cough
Oh. My. God. Was it you?
Maybe your body just wanted to sleep and it forgot to tell your brain what it was up to. That is pretty crazy though. I like the idea of sexting random people! I might have to try that…
Lily, chance sexting is exhilarating. A close second to sky diving. For real.
Sounds orgasmic. I mean…
You have the right idea. Go forth and sext your heart out. My number is …
Two things I have never done: 1. roofied someone, 2. watched The Matrix
This post must be confusing.
No more so than your other posts. I really have no idea what you’re ever talking about, so I just nod agreeably.
Sounds about right. Carry on. Just don’t forget to hit the like button.
Hit the what now?
The “like” button. The L-I-K-E button. Say it with me, Mike. L-I-K-E.
I’m not licking any buttons. I’m not falling for any pranks.
Here, just take this paste and go back to your desk.
Yay!!
You had a crazy experience in bed, but you were ALONE?
I am truly disappointed for both of us, Becca!
I could have used a good crazy, sexy, “Fifty Shades of Becca” vignette right now…
Me too… HA!
Your time will come, Becca!
And yes, that came out as I intended!
In that case, I won’t get all banged up about it.
You give great.. comment, Becca.
This is better than the time I woke up inexplicably covered in French fries.
I disagree. I am envious/writing that on my bucket list right now.
Waffle fries involved, excellent.
Waking up in strange states of dress, good.
But still knowing where your pants are?
Seriously Becca, I think you just aren’t letting us in on certain facts of the story. I never know where my pants are after one of these.
And it’s part of the fun!
Well Guap, pants don’t really matter so much in the plot of this story. Now, if my long johns had been missing, let’s just say I wouldn’t have been the one worried about being kidnapped and tortured.
*best Woody voice* Someone poisoned the waffle fries!!!
Ha!
YouTube Tuesday FTW YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Hahahahahaha!!!
You didn’t post it on the YouTube Tuesday post, though. Fail…
No. Don’t you forget who invented YouTube Tuesday Twindaddy.
And as such, you should know the rules.
The rules are that I can do whatever I want. Don’t get it twisted
.
I don’t remember THAT being written anywhere…
You are wasting those extra lives pretty quickly.
Dammit! Okay. Shutting up now.
Say, did you happen to catch Becca’s great post today? My, she’s got to be the best blogger on the world wide web. And one dashing ginger, to boot.
I knew you were smarter than that
.
Hey, I can be a doormat like nobody’s business…
What about a doorstop? I always seem to need a good doorstop.
Whatever you desire, madam. As long as it gains me extra lives.
First of all, LOVE the new banner.
Secondly, I’ve had similar fugues after gorging myself senseless on waffle fries. Maybe that’s what happened to you as well. I wouldn’t rule out alien abduction, mainly because you can NEVER rule it out. The other possibility is that the cats slipped you something while you weren’t looking. You know how sneaky they can be.
Whoa Weebs. I didn’t even THINK about the cats. Maybe the cats ARE the aliens. God I am so naive!
No, you’re not naive, it’s just that they’re so crafty. I learned my lesson the hard way. Never again will I turn my back on them when I’ve got a drink on the coffee table…
They HATE carpet. They must destroy it. I have learned.
P.S. Thanks for the compliment on my banner! There will be a final version coming later, but I wanted to put this up for now. I have really good help, even if his nose is red as fuck all the time
.
Aha, so he’s the help behind the banner! Nice work. But don’t tell him I said so.
What are you even talking about?
Exactly.
Is Keanu still alive?
Once I ate 2 pints of rum raising ice-cream before falling sleep and I don’t even want to remember the kind of nightmares I had.
Keanu will always be alive. Perpetually giving his seat up to women on the subway. When that stops, the world will end.
You think that’s strange, way til you wake up to reality. The same thing happens a lot. That’s pretty freaky.
I second John’s “rabbit cookies”. My time zone is behind yours so my alternate reality can’t quite keep up and so my comments are also slow to reach you.
Wait, is this real life? Is it the future or the past? Do I need a DeLorean for this shit?
Set it to 2012 and look for McFly.
What a dreamboat! Yeah, that just happened.
Fast forward to 2013, over here I’m feeling jealous.
I’ll be there in a bit. Me and McFly are going to check out 2025.
Keanu was your guardian angel. Who do you think plugged in your phone and made sure you got home safe…? This actually happened to me the other night. Haha.
Good guy Keanu. Plus he is attractive. I hope I sleep made out with him.
I sleep make out with him regularly, I hope.
Well quit hogging him please! I think?
We can share, we can share, probably.
Let’s Eiffel tower him. I just LOLed all over myself.
hahahahahahha
I’m scared to ask what Eiffel-Tower-ing a man is…
That would be freaking awesome. But moreso if you could remember that part…
i had something like this happen to me once, but i had an explanation. my ex-wife has been taking xanax for about 20 years. after splitting, i found a few of her pills in a travel bag and wondered what they were like. it was a saturday night at about 7, and of course i had nothing else to do, so i took one. i woke up the next morning at about 4am, still dressed, half on the bed and half on the floor. it seemed as if i was at my computer, got drowsy, tried to make it to bed, and only got halfway.
Druggie.
that is 33% of my drug experience. i think. i once took a drive through kentucky and met people in a bar who needed someone to fill in for a missing player on their darts team. so i pretended my name was bob and joined the team. later we went to someone’s farmhouse and got high. i woke up the next morning in bed with a woman with a pierced tongue and nipples. nothing hurt or was bleeding, and it was a woman, so i figured it worked out well. i didn’t ask, just found my keys and got the hell out of there.
another time i was with friends at a beach house at the shore. that’s redundant. anyway, someone had medical marijuana and i tried it. the next thing i remembered, i was outside the house drinking water from a puddle. my friends were standing in front of me and asked “what are you doing?” i said, “i was thirsty.” they said, “get the fuck in the house before a cop sees you.”
HAHA! You really are like a dog.
i wish i had made that up. no more pot smoking. i’m sticking with red wine. and sext whores. if i knew how to find one…
It’s harder than you think.
i just read that somewhere.
“… I fucked off instead.”
hi. my name is off.
Nnnno! *hits nose with newspaper*
no no. let me get that for you.
Interesting. Similar but not exactly happened to me once in my youth (looong time ago) but at the time I was heavily intoxicated. The things I remember from the event is like pictures taken with a hard flash: no sense of time and no context. Woke up in my bed, on my back, dressed and with no clue how I got there. If I experience that again, without intoxication I go see the guys with stethoscopes
Black out drinking is one thing… this was different! I guess we will find out if something paranormal or extraterrestrial happened if I start to morph here in a couple of days.
I think aliens abducted you and roofied you. Thats my theory.
They are doing double whammys now? Fuck.
Yeah… Something tells me they’re getting drunk and screwing with us… But good luck with that.
They probably get drunk off of water and drink alcohol to stay alive.
Basically. Explains all of the probing!
Is there a difference between regular sext rape and legitimate sext rape?
Oh, and I almost for got….Rabbit Cookies…..I am now forever going to remember to check out your tags.
Shwing!!!!!!! Go BroJo!
Sext rape involves dirty emoticons, I believe.
Oh, so like the :poop: one Le Clown likes to use?
Precisely.
Learn something new everyday.
I don’t know about legitimacy. That’s out of my jurisdiction.
Oh, but rabbit cookies are?
Umm YEAH.
Touche
If I have a bananaphone will that count as my fruit intake for the day?
Only if you insert the stem into your ear hole.
Okay, sorry this has nothing to do with your post but I have to seize the opportunity to spread the gospel: For some reason it has become fashionable to hate The Matrix and that is just batshit crazy. Attention everyone: The Matrix kicks ass and always will. It’s a basket of chocolate-chip wonderful muffins. I’m actually doing a post about it soon in a new feature series I’m calling “Wait, We Hate This Now?” (really).
Anyhoo, by any chance did you go to a magic show where the magician may have messed up? Slipped you a “Forget-Me-Now”?
Just to clear up any confusion, I do NOT hate the matrix.
Now that you mention it, there was a guy who stopped me to tell me that he loved my shoes and shirt, did a hand motion, and walked away before I could say anything. Maybe he put some sort of hex on me. Like a sleeping beauty type thing. I think this means someone has to kiss me.
Druid abduction from the B.C. times…
Nooooooooooo!!!!
Wait, what is that?
You could have been abducted from Druids from long ago (ya know, the Stonehenge guys) for some fun and sexually invasive kind of ceremony then brought back to the present, never the wiser.
Oh god. I’ve been probed.
Well duh….if there’s one thing that TV & movies have taught me is that abduction ALWAYS includes a probing…
I feel … well I don’t know how I feel.
Probably numb in your nether regions…
Now that you say that…
mawhahahaha
Only one possible explanation – frustration over the inability to sext a random led you to date rape drug yourself.
This is the best possibility I have heard yet.
You hung out with real live people and your body went into shock mode. It shut down. Trauma does that to people. Stick to your on-line relationships. You’ll find equilibrium again after working through this episode with a therapist. An on-line therapist.
Do you take appointments?
Sorry, I’m currently receiving said counselling. Limited to offering a good referral.
I’ll take all of the help I can get.
Whiskey used to do that shit to me. So I switched to Tequila.
Wise…. very wise.
What’s funny is that the ad at the end of the post right now is describing areas of the brain (memory, speed, attention), but there is no accounting for “post waffle fry time warp,” which I think is just careless on the part of the advertiser. Obviously Keanu is behind this, and you should keep drinking bloody marys until you find him.
P.S. – “Hang out”? I’m still confused by this.
I “hung out” and I still don’t know what it means. LOL reality.
Ads are just as sneaky as waffle fries, apparently.
What happened? Were you abducted by aliens? Slipped a mickey in with the waffle fries? That’s just weird!
I suspect the waffle fries. They are sneaky! Don’t be fooled!