Category Archives: Humor
Versus: Part One
I have come to the realization that our brains are designed to trick us. They are designed to make us think we are consistent, in control, and then they bitch slap us so hard that all of our five senses start swapping spit. It’s like a form of sadistic entertainment to the eyes of the universe. What I have discovered, to sum it up, is that we have absolutely no idea what we like or don’t like or why. Hear me out.
Because we are all made of stars anyway, right?
This is the simple case study of one human (me), faced with a series of versus tests. The first set that I will share with you involve edibles.
Candy Vs. Bank Suckers
As I have mentioned before, I am not a huge fan of sweets. Not only have I not had a birthday cake since I was too young to know not to stick things up my dog’s butt, but I am also just not a candy person. Before you say anything about chocolate, check yourself. Comparing chocolate to candy is like comparing filet mignon to a hot dog. Chocolate is not candy.
Candy is that artificial sweet, turn my mouth weird colors, get stuck in my teeth, and make me choke on the new thickness of my saliva kind of junk. I don’t like it. You get the point.
So, when I am sitting in the bank queue as my receipt floats back down the magic tube, I peer down into the plastic hovercraft to find a sucker the size of Stuart Little’s umbrella, and I am delighted. Utterly delighted I tell you.
I can confirm they are appropriately named for the intended target market.
Yeah, that’s right, I got the sucker because I am the nicest and most charming customer on the planet. Definitely not because I am the sucker.
I suavely give the tellers a wink through the glass as I drive past. Then, I even eat the sucker. Down to the stick. Had my roommate walked up to me and handed me a lollipop for no reason, I probably would have grudgingly stared down at the pathetic offering before I smacked it out of her hand and shrieked a forceful, “No!” But bank suckers are just different.
Hotdog Vs. Free Hotdog at Work
The aforementioned isn’t my first offense in the area of edibles versus edibles. Speaking of hot dogs, for example, I wouldn’t particularly say that I hate them. Certainly not as much as my brain thinks I hate candy suckers outside the confines of Capital One, but you also won’t ever find Oscar Mayer hanging around my kitchen. I have even been known to forgo an entire meal at cookouts because of my disdain for hot dogs.
Who puts this kind of filth on the internet? Ugh. #smdh
So naturally, when they used to bring us free hot dogs at my old office (for breakfast at that), I would fight with my elbows out. I would fight with grown men. I would lie, steal, and cheat just to make sure I got my hands on one of those delicious free hot dogs. And then I would devour it like. Like that made any sense at all.
Can Coke Vs. Bottle Coke
Finally, something I can talk about that I actually like. Here in the south we call any form of soda a Coke. Want a Sprite? That’s cool. I’ll be right back with your Coke. As I was saying, I have a wonderful relationship with Diet Coke. I don’t care if it is bad for me or if I am voluntarily embalming myself from the inside out. At least I’ll make a pretty corpse.
While I prefer fountain Cokes and Cokes poured into a glass over ice, I don’t discriminate too harshly against canned Coke or even Coke in plastic bottles. In fact, nothing can make Coke worse, but there is something that can make it ten times better.
Please excuse my soda boner.
Put a straw in me, I’m spent. There is nothing better than a Coke in a glass bottle. The straw is just there to blow your mind a little harder. Because it is definitely not the same exact artificially colored, cancer inducing, brown liquid coming from out of those cans, fountains, and plastic bottles. No no, this is different. Better.
Part Two is on deck!
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Funniest Vlog Evar
Ya hear? Okay, maybe not evar or even just regular ever, but I did officially win the Funniest Vlogger category of The Indie Chicks Badass Blogger Contest. I appreciate all of the nominations and votes, and I want to say thank you from the bottom of my long johns to ye all. Now I can proudly sport that lovely, validating badge over there on my side bar. People will think I am actually legit. Which I am. Legit to the max. Here is how I celebrated:
Blow up ALL the balloons!
Take ALL the catnaps!
Literally
Thank you like a fat kid loves cake. Wait, that’s not right.
BUSINESS: I plan to get back to my regular writing over here on the blog, but I am curious. Do y’all want more writing and less of the vlogs, or do you mind a mixture of both? Should the two be separate? Also, what do you think of the new layout? I value your input. Thanks again.
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She Likes The D
D as in Detroit of course.
I’m on a boat plane.
I could write a long post detailing every little thing I did while in the Detroit area. I could brag about my sweet Red Wings shirt Adam got me hooked up with, or cringe at all of the cereal Adam eats, but you would probably only get half way through reading before your Monday distracted you. So, instead I am going to give you an action packed and easy reading list of all the enchanted and bewildering things I experienced on my trip. You know, the highlights.
I also developed a game for you AND included ANOTHER video. Hold on to your desk. Here we go!
1. I sat by a gentleman named Dallas on my flight to Dallas. Coincidence? I think not.
2. “Helen” cut me off after my third Jack Daniel’s on my second flight. Apparently I was “done.”
3. Adam told me I smelled like a hobo when I got off of the plane, but then I used my hair to mesmerize him. Funny how hobo changes very quickly into fairy princess with one good hair flip.
4. I learned, reluctantly, that turning left on red is a apparently a thing in Michigan. Supposedly. Maybe.
5. It’s a lot easier to take pictures of people sleeping on planes than one would think:
So delicate.
So serene.
6. Planes can do the Harlem Shake too when given the right amount of youarenevergettinghome style weather.
7. Michigan Toys R Us’s are sexist.
Kids these days have it all.
8. Drinking at high altitudes is good for the creative brain. This is how I came up with a little game. It is the opposite of laying on the grass and making pictures of the clouds. It is sitting in a plane and making pictures of the ground.
Example:
Everything’s bigger in Texas. That’s not really Texas.
Here is one for you to try!
Can you find any peens?
9. I had to spend a night in Dallas on the way back from my trip as you know. During that night, some shit went down.
- Two women who looked to be members of some bizarre cleaning lady gang tried to swipe my iphone right out of my hands. All I wanted was a light. Sheesh.
- I would have spent the night in a hotel located conveniently in between two strip clubs and over thirty minutes from the airport had it not been for a savior in a Holiday Inn Express uniform who picked me up at just the right time.
- The video you are about to watch happened.
Disclaimer: this video contains a person in the state of extreme delirium.
\
10. I learned a lot more about the handsome Adam. I even chose to look past his sick cereal addiction. We all have our vices. Thank you Adam for being a lovely host, an excellent Clue player, and for showing me the best parts of the D.
D As in Detroit.
Thanks Adam!
See Adam’s take on me and the D here.
Call Me Tom Hanks
Because that’s who I feel like right now. Tired and ragged, as I sit in terminal B after a long night of unlucky and then seriously lucky events, I could easily make my own version of The Terminal mashed with a little slice of Castaway (by the looks of my hair and the fact that I have taken up friendship with the only item of real value that I have in my carry on – my blow dryer).
Being that I was stranded in Dallas, TX last night, I didn’t want to take any chances of missing my flight this morning. So, naturally I stayed up until almost three AM, made weird videos of myself, and ate a questionable vending machine dinner that I washed down with room temperature beer to ensure that I would look and feel ravishing this morning. I also wanted to make it to the airport with plenty of time to spare. Which I did. And am now regretting in between consciousness. I’ll get back to you on the feeling ravishing part.
Here is the thing. I have to come clean. I didn’t write a post while I was cruising the clouds like Mario on some secret level, so I am making up for it now. Don’t fret though Flysters, I have about twenty posts worth of pictures, videos, and stories for you if you give me some time to recoup from my worst flight scenario ever. Plus, considering that I highly underestimated my Jack Daniels to plane-laziness ratio… it is for the best that no post was brewed.
In the meantime, I have two things for you to check out.
1. Stop by Brother Jon’s blog today. He has rallied some outstanding bloggers to send out some sweet messages to his brother and friends. Why is this important? Seek and you shall find. (Also, he extended such a generous helping hand to me late last night when I was in a panic at the airport that he deserves a huge nod of appreciation. Man, y’all are seriously good people).
2. Speaking of Mario, check out my intense reunion with him at Adam’s apartment in Detroit. More to come on part two of our IRL saga. Hold on to your butts!
Today is the last day to vote for the Badass Blogger Awards! So much excite!
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Flyte
So I quit my day job. Today is my last day of work, and I am flying out Friday to vacation in Michigan through Memorial Day. I am here today to simply assure you, I will be coming back HAM on the blog and BeccaTube upon my return. It’s going to get hard core in here. And I’m not even talking porn.
But in the mean time, I have two favors to ask:
1. Y’all trooped up and got me nominated for the Badass Blogger Awards in TWO categories (Funniest Blogger and Funniest Vlogger). Su-weet. Now the voting phase is in full effect. So this is my “Becca for President” plea. If you enjoy my humor, I would appreciate your vote. BUT, I also have to say, there are a couple of other bloggers I respect who are also nominated for the Funniest Blogger category, so I want to support votes for them too. Also, if you don’t vote for TJ in her categories then I…. I…. I will do something really bad. I seriously admire her drive and passion for the art she creates.
Seriously though, regardless of who you are voting for, the important thing is that you do it! Click here meow. Voting ends May 31st.
2. It’s time to scratch a line through one of my ultimate bucket list items: write a post while flying. I mean, this is 25toFly, right?
I think I will do it without my seatbelt on. And airplane drunk. Which is much more fun than normal drunk.
What I want from you are suggestions on what to write about, what to observe on the plane, or maybe even ideas of pictures I can try to snap while en route. Kind of like a scavenger hunt that you direct. GO! Over and out Flysters.
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Please, Don't Try to Contain Your Raging Jealousy
Oh, Chipmunks. I can't stuff a cheek without bumping into another compliment / award / congratulatory butt slap these days. So it goes when you have brains, charm and a disarming perma-grin honed from years of smiling and nodding.
This week I received not only a rad 'stache-themed award from the lovely xdanigirl of The Life and Times of a Mom…
Draw Your Life: Part Two
Here is part two of the Draw Your Life video I posted last week. Beware of cheese.
Now for some important news!
1. There will be a new article written by yours truly on The Indie Chicks tomorrow! I will be tweeting the link and sharing it on Facebook and all of that good stuff. You know what to do! Oh, and while you are there, if you have a moment to vote for me for the Funniest Blog and/or Funniest Vlog categories of their Badass Blogger Contest I will give you a kidney. It’s all good, I have two. I don’t care if you don’t need one, it’s yours.
2. I am off to travel again in about ten days, so you might not see much of me in the next couple of weeks. Now that I have quit my job to become a hippy, what better thing to do first than to travel the country side, right? But where am I going? Any guesses?
3. The Blogger Summit is well underway. There are some exciting things going on behind the scenes. Upon my return, expect to be delivered some updates!
Thanks again for watching/reading/commenting/hopefully not crying.
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Draw Your Life
Are you ready for a treat? Well too bad. You get blindness.
When I first heard about the “Draw Your Life” concept, I thought it was a fun, unique idea. Then I popped the lid off of a potent Sharpie for way too long and ended up producing this:
I can do many things. I am multifaceted if you will. But even Bob Ross himself couldn’t help me in the illustration department. Regardless, I had a fume overdose fun. Are you brave enough to stay tuned for Part Two?
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