Last week I wrote about the aggravating dance I have been doing with a certain loitering phone book. Seeing that it wasn’t backing off, I decided to go forward with taking matters into my own hands. Looking back, I am not exactly proud of the ways in which I tortured the poor publication. However, in the end I think I did the right thing… Continue reading →
This time I am not going to blame writer’s block. I am not even going to blame my blog for taking over and bashing the hell out of me. Actually, I don’t even feel guilty for not writing at this point…
This time, the writing is being vetoed by a much powerful force. I have purchased a new toy. I spent hours in bed with it this weekend to the point of exhaustion. There will certainly be a significant amount of embarrassment upon my next encounter with my neighbors, for they surely overheard my shrieks of excitement and enjoyment. Even Jack subtly exited the room on several occasions as if even he was embarrassed for me. I practically needed a “do not disturb” sign.
Whoa. I know you all have your minds on peen today (thanks Clown man), but what kind of gal do you take me for? I am talking about my new HD Webcam and accompanying movie editing software. I have many ideas swarming in my mind right now that it is hard for me to wrangle them all and put them into manageable cubbyholes in my mind. So for now, you can just watch me play with my new toy for about fifteen seconds. After all, that’s about how long it takes to get anyone off, right?
Please note: I am no longer just a pixel of your imagination. There will be much more to come once I master this thing.
Don’t you hate it when people pronounce Valentine’s as Valentime’s? Don’t you hate it when you have to wait in line forever at the grocery store, because everyone is in front of you with last-minute flowers? Don’t you hate it when people talk about things they hate about Valentine’s Day?
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Well me too, and you wont have to experience any of those things today. Or at least for the next four minutes and thirty-two seconds because…
IT’S TIME TO WITNESS THE V-DAY COLLABORATION OF TWO DESTINED BLOGGERS!
Who: Adam of My Right to Bitch (also known as: dashing) and me, Becca (also known as: many other nicknames involving the faux color of my hair)!
What: A virtual date!
Where: Right here on this blog, a diamond in the rough sands of this wasteland we call the internet!
When: Right when you click play!
How: Divine intervention!
I used approximately five exclamation marks just now. That is how you know I am beyond stoked about this. So, without further ado or anymore annoying punctuation, here is our vlog baby.
Some musicians just have it, you know. That spark that let’s them enter a part of our brains in which they can do no wrong. It doesn’t happen often, but when it happens to me it is sort of otherworldly. The rhythm of the songs don’t get old, even the most asinine lyrics make sense, and I begin to think every album was written specifically for me.
For example, I give you Alanis Morissette. First of all, her name is fucking Alanis. That is the kind of name that makes the Sarahs, Lindseys, and Beccas of the world feel like lemmings. Then there is her voice. Hurry, think of someone else who sounds like her (okay, besides that Meridith Brooks girl). You can’t.
Keanu, you think of everything.
So you get it, I like Alanis.
I like her regardless of her blatant misuse of the word ironic. I like her regardless off the fact that she either has something very secret and important in one of her pockets at all times, or she’s trying to be discrete about getting off in public. I even like her regardless of the fact that she sings about cross-eyed bears. Those are the lyrics, right? Right?!
That being said, this post isn’t actually about Alanis but rather inspired by her. It may sound jabby but remember, I already said that I liked her, so it is okay.
You all know her little song about “irony” (also known as things that are unfortunate). With all due respect, I can think of a few things that are worse than a free ride when you’ve already paid. If the ride is free you probably don’t want it anyway. Bam!
Here are five things worse than the original “Ironic” lyrics, because I am clever like that:
1. Ten thousand knives when all you need is a spoon. Think about it. It is way more painful to eat soup with a knife than to cut your PB&J with a spoon.
2. Your wedding day… in general. Zing!
3. A traffic jam when you’re already late to your last-chance court date. You’re going to jail, and it looks like someone else is going to have their hand in your pocket. No, probably just completely in your pants without your discretion.
4. Just a “no smoking” sign. Obviously I haven’t quit yet.
5. Meeting the man of my dreams and then meeting all five of his wives. Say what you want, I just wasn’t brought up that way.
BONUS VLOG: About junk. The kind in your drawers. Not drawers as in underwear. Pervert.
1. A major thank you is due to Le Clown yet again for being my hero. He is the mastermind behind taking what started as a photography experiment and turning it into the outstanding piece of banner you see at the top of my page. What you see today is the final product of much work. And he did it through a drug haze. Let’s all show him extra love today.
2. Speaking of Le Clown, there is an important post today on his second blog Black Box Warnings. It’s important, because I wrote it. It is also important, because it was not easy. I struggled with how to write this post. I beat myself up for not being able to pull out the serious. I avoided it like it was an army of bullfrogs. If you don’t know I hate frogs, you do now. But I prevailed. So please, check it out. If you love me you will (said the abusive guilt tripping blogger).
3. More guilt tripping. If you missed my post and vlog yesterday, you need to stop slacking and go read/watch it, because I was kind of sort of maybe really definitely proud of it.
Many thoughts run through my mind when I sit down to do blog related activities. Here are some of those candid thoughts. Thank me later by telling me that you do some of these things too.
The word exercise is the devil, not because I hate to work out, but because I will never be able to comprehend its spelling.
I should really learn to spell it though before I begin writing. No, I am just going to use Google. I support Google.
Great. I have successfully browsed to http://www.gogle.com. Why is that even a site?
Wait… I am not even writing anything about exercise.
Let’s see what is happening on Twitter.
Great. I have successfully browsed to http://www.titter.com. Good thing I am not at work.
I should Google search “how to type better” instead of “how to spell exercise”.
Are you ready for a guessing game? I thought so. I could feel it. And plus, I heard Le Clown was planning some sort of game tomorrow (for his own sick entertainment no doubt), so I figured I’d help you get warmed up.
This magnifying glass is doing nothing for my lack of eyeballs. Hmph.
I want you to guess what inanimate object I am balls deep in love with right now. Le Clown, you can’t play. You know why. Whoever guesses right FIRST will win a creative shout out in my Movember contest winners announcement video. God I am generous. Here are the clues:
1. There is a hint in this blog post’s title.
2. My thumbs are sore.
3. I am not a man. But with this I can pretend. Haiku styled hint.
4. When I am around it I don’t blink.
5. Like my Facebook page. There is possibly a huge hint there. If you can find it.
Good luck my smart little puppets! Leave your guesses in the comments!
* Tomorrow is the last day of Movember! Just one last reminder. Don’t forget to check the list if you entered my contest!*
Welcome home dinner from yourself to yourself: $20.00
Returning to your blog: Priceless
Nothing will make you focus more than a brass monkey’s exposed asshole.
That’s right. Everyone chill the fuck out. I am back. I even brought you some monkey bum. He is responsible for my absence. Come on, you would be distracted too if this was the only space in which you could work. I mean, why is he so adamant on picking up that over sized marble? Can he even lift it? Why am I turned on?
Actually, the more important question here is where the hell my mom bought this “decor”. Obviously, I have been home visiting family for the Thanksgiving holiday for the past four days. Now it is back to what makes the world go round blogging. Here is what’s up for this week: Continue reading →
